I chose my stairway to heaven
I don’t remember where it happened, whom I was with, how was I feeling. Not at all. It was more subtle kind of experience. It just conected to what I have been doing. It was some kind of accompanying, mood like, music in the background. That I can remember.
Even though it was in the background, it resonated with me. Specific kind of tones, escalation of rythm, escalation of emotions towards the end. Climax. I would say.
Somehow this song has been following me, until my dear friend told me about it. She told me it was one of the most known songs in the world. But I haven’t known that. So maybe this helped me to get enveloped by it.
At first I understood part of the lyrics, then more and more. Until one day I searched for it and there it was. A special moment, uncovered mystery to me. That’s how I felt in that moment. It was an amazing moment which lasted couple of days, listening to it on and on and on.
But at that point in my life, I haven’t been ready to step a step further from mental understanding, to let my heart lead me, where the song wanted to lead me. Into spiritual part of our existance. Haven’t known a lot about it as I have been raised as a true atheist. We do not believe in anything but in hard facts we see around us. We do not even believe in people’s kindness.
At that time it seemed very reasonable to me. I did not believe in stories, especially the ones defining reality we can confirm. I was not able to look through the net of ignorance I was raised into, to research world myself and dare to peak outside the given facts.
Then there was time, when there were no songs like this in my life. Time to time, one could surface, but I was too tired of life, to have any energy emotionally processing them.
»There’s a lady who’s sure all that glitters is gold
And she’s buying a stairway to heaven
When she gets there she knows
If the stores are all closed
With a word she can get what she came for
Oh oh oh oh and she’s buying a stairway to heaven
There’s a sign on the wall
But she wants to be sure
’Cause you know sometimes words have two meanings
In a tree by the brook
There’s a songbird who sings
Sometimes all of our thoughts are misgiving«
All I knew was anger, so I enjoyed that kind of music, which emplifies anger in me. It made me even more tired.
…
…
Ooh, it makes me wonder
Ooh, it makes me wonder
…
…
Then I woke up, it was funny. The fear was gone, I have made a decision. That’s it. Let’s do it. I have arrived at a crossroad. I had 2 possibilities: being miserable and afraid until the end of life or face all the biggest fears waiting for me. Fears and beliefs that have builded a cage around me. Cage made of invisible bars, bars made of anxiety and depression.
That’s it. Even if I die. That’s it. Enough is enough. ENOUGH IS ENOUGH! F… it!
»There’s a feeling I get
When I look to the west
And my spirit is crying for leaving
In my thoughts I have seen
Rings of smoke through the trees
And the voices of those who standing looking«
Started reading again, started smiling again and consumed books like they are sandwiches. I have been waiting for this for years. Years when I have been lost in my toughts. In life I have created for myself. Life that did not suit me. Conventional life.
Got to know my emotions again. What does it mean to be sad, happy, scared, …, this time accepting them ope- handedly.
Of course there have been difficult days, weeks. But always a sun shines again after the rain stops. Rain does not fall forever. Each fear you attack, takes some energy away from you. So you also need to learn to compensate for that loss of energy.
»Ooh, it makes me wonder
Ooh, it really makes me wonder«
I learned this the hard way. Yes, it was hard. Very hard. But that rain also stopped eventually.
»And it’s whispered that soon, If we all call the tune
Then the piper will lead us to reason
And a new day will dawn
For those who stand long
And the forests will echo with laughter«
And there came doubts, those learned inner voice of criticism: It is not true. You are dreaming. You are just looking for reasoning.
»If there’s a bustle in your hedgerow
Don’t be alarmed now
It’s just a spring clean for the May queen
Yes, there are two paths you can go by
But in the long run
There’s still time to change the road you’re on«
The crossroad is hard, there is no compromise, you need to decide one way or the other. You cannot take a bit from one and a bit from the other. Does not work like that.
»And it makes me wonder«
This is a unique moment in time, unique moment in your life. Remember, there have been moments like that in the past. But you have opted for a conventional way. Look where it lead you. Towards unfullfillment, hatred of yourself and hurt.
»Your head is humming and it won’t go
In case you don’t know
The piper’s calling you to join him
Dear lady, can you hear the wind blow
And did you know
Your stairway lies on the whispering wind«
These kind of brief moments in life can dissapear as quickly as they appeared. Unstable, you need to maintain the path yourself, constantly going after their tail, not letting too much of distance to accrue. You can loose the grip.
It is something you are not familiar with. Previous opportunities have been so easy to grasp, so easy to ride on, no problem. But there was also no respect for them, as it was too easy.
Things get taken away from you when getting older. Getting older you realize it is much harder to do things that seemed simple when you have been young. So you start to respect these kind of opportunities more and more.
Respecting it, I pulled back and grabbed it’s tail time and time again. Lonely wolf, not understood by people around him. All they knew is to offer their unconditional love and hope for the best. I have been lucky. I had them beside me. I thank them.
»And as we wind on down the road
Our shadows taller than our soul
There walks a lady we all know
Who shines white light and wants to show
How everything still turns to gold«
Ups and downs, jumps and falls. All this is part of the path forward. There are challenges ahead. A clear path that will lead you through your fear and provide you with pure bliss on the other side of that fear. It is amazing once you feel that bliss everybody is talking about. It pays for all the emotional and physical pain.
The further you walk, bigger grow the challenges in front of you. You are able to conquer bigger and bigger fears. Fears you tought will stay with you forever. You are actually given the proof that what you wished for, actually exists and can be yours. I am not talking about material, but spiritual things. Emotions, feelings, energy, happines, joy, laughter. Being yourself is enough. Sometimes I still can’t believe this is possible. That it is true.
But regularly I am softly reminded. It is true. It is happening. Keep on the walk. Stick to the road and the light ahead of you. Don’t fear it, accept it. Let go. Let it lead you.
»And if you listen very hard
The tune will come to you at last
When all are one and one is all
To be a rock and not to roll»
You need to practice self-love, take care of your needs, desires, wishes. Being yourself you will attract people who are visitors in your life and help you make the next step. But you also atract people who belong in your life. Who wish to stay and will work for it.
Letting go of control and following where the path leads you and accept invitations you are presented with is the hardest thing to do for me. As it is an opposite of what I was tought as a little child, who needs to protect itself from the evil world.
If defys all »reason«, so called »logic«, which still keeps popping up time to time. But then I look at people passing me by, drinking my coffee at local plaza. I can see those faces which represent me, my toughts, my feeling in the past. I can see myself in them, my past face replaces their face.
…
I do not want to go back to that and will not.
Regardless of what I need to face and which fear to conquer. I decide to be one of those people who pass by at plaza and immediately you feel their energy. The joyfull ones. Happy ones.
Led Zeppelin, Stairway to heaven; Song lyrics: (2020); Retrieved 30 July 2020, from https://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/ledzeppelin/stairwaytoheaven.html
Miha Kožuh
July 2020
