How to be myself and like it?
»The best things in life have been placed on the other side of terror.« Will Smith
Face your fear. One by one. Stairway to heaven is a path of facing all of your biggest fears. Fears that criple people, fears that keep people behind the TV screens, desperate to escape their daily reality.
Insane
Fears that push people to do insane careers, sacrificing time spent with their family. Many would protest on this claim. But think about it. If you leave your career right now, which fears surface when you think about actually doing it? Why do you even think about these things? Why are you afraid of doing it?
Why are we afraid of doing anything in our lives? Because nature wanted to make sure, we operate with so called »reason«. Reason which should prevent you from using knife the same way as the last time you cut yourself.
Our reason is greedy. It takes over your whole life if you let it. Why wouldn’t you let it do it? It protects you. It keeps you comfortable in the sofa. It keeps you safe from the cruel world around you. The world that wants to hurt you.
Mediocre
Keeping you this way it makes you mediocre. That’s the best strategy for survival in the natural world. To be one of the fish inside the fish flock. One sheep inside the sheep flock. Gives you the best chance to survive predator attack.
So the so called reason is our natural instinct which keeps us safe. Now this is the one to learn to manage correctly, if we want to join the piper on the stairway to heaven. We should allow reason to protect us from knives, but on the other hand we should know when to listen to it or not, not to prevent us to join the piper.
It starts in childhood
My story of coming to a reason began with my childhood. Watch out! Don’t do this! Don’t do that! You will fall! You will hurt yourself! Beware of people! … Such familiar sayings which are fine if used to prevent knife damage.
But not so much welcome when you as a parent start to impose mediocrity on your child. That’s the moment when you introduce danger back into child’s life. Coming from ex-communist country, I have been introduced to mediocrity since young. Our nation has been under foreign rule until 1991. Only then we have been officially allowed to practice personal freedom.
It is logical my parents have been teaching me how to survive in a repression and not in freedom. Therefore mediocrity is the logical choice. Being mediocre in ex-Yugoslavia you were given the most personal freedom. That was a logical choice fof majority of population.
We are grown ups now
Now as grown ups we mentally know it is not the case anymore. Our hearts crawe making a change and live freely. It has been many generations of our ancestors who provided us this freedom. They have been painstakingly moving forward generation after generation to prepare basics fort he system who will offer such freedom.
Now it is on us to dissolve the terror imposed on us unintentionally by our parents and sociaety. Break into freedom not only mentally but also with our hearts, life mission, our life purpose. We are the first generation where the majority of people can take time and realize their life’s purpose.
»All I want to do is to be more like me and less like you!« Linkin Park, Numb
My biggest life struggle
Looking at all the above mentioned facts, the biggest fear and challenge in my life are intimate relationships. This is the key element for my evolution towards my life’s purpose.
Only recently I managed to eliminate the need to impress and serve with my close family. I just told them I can not do it anymore. I have no more energy. I do not want our relationship to be based on anything else but unconditional love. We are family.
Is this possible? Yes it is. It is possible to be accepted the way you are, you are enough. You are good enough the way you are. It is possible. It exists.
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Now the hardest part…
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You need to be ready for it! What you wish is granted. Now what?
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It is good to have a vision, it is good to mentally understand what kind of relationship you want. In order to receive what you are granted, you need to evolve as a person. You want to evolve. The way you are approaching relationships now does not work. Face the fear. Face the fear of possible rejection. There is no other way.
I did face the fear. It was not easy. It worked? Time will tell.
I am lucky, I have people around me who love me unconditionally. The ones whom I tought would not love me like this as I have been lost and did not know it. My family. I love them unconditionally as well. As I love my children and wish they are happy regardless of how they conduct their life.
It goes the same with »so called friends«. I am stressing it in this way, as you are aware you might end up with no firends doing this only possible approach. They might all leave as they might not be your friends at all. Well at least you will know. You will start your relationship a new anyway.
I survived. Now I know who are my friends. Our connection is unconditional. They extend my family.
My hardest life struggle
Now about the hardest one for me. This one represents a completely different level for me. Have been so afraid of it, I was denying my emotions and physical needs for a long time. Too long time.
Not only fears associated with relationships, but additional feeling of not being good looking. Of not being good enough. Of being a dissapointment. Of being fat. Physically not capable. Last one drafted for sports etc.
High school boy’s biggest fears have been inside me. At one point I decided to compensate my deficiencies with my niceness to girls, being the kind of guy they wished they had, emotional, caring, touching, all non-macho kind of guy. Romantic stuff. Disney stuff.
So I was. And had many, too many relationships which all ended the same way. I terminated them for not receiving reciprocially enough input from the other side. Or they ended it as they realized something I didn’t. Now I know:
»If you expect something in return for being a nice person, you aren’t a nice person.« Be nice because you are nice, but do not pretend. People do not know what to do with a nice peson, as it seems so un-natural. Even if you are nice, you need to stand up for your needs. You need to prioritize your needs as well. Or it will end up in a bad way.
A shock. It doesn’t work like I tought it works? How come? But that’s the way I have been taught. Majority of people do this in their relationships. And yes, majority of relationships are not happy. Wow.
Personally I was doing that because I feared loosing the person. The person I managed to attract to me even though I am not good looking. My pain. My hurt. My fear. My hardest and biggest life struggle.
The solution is to let go. The key is to be you. Let people see who you are and the right person for you will enter your life. And stay if they belong into your life.
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So I decided to do this and face my hardest and biggest fear. I will find a partner who is independent of me, has her own life, her own life mission, possibly her own kids and her own time for herself.
This means intimate relationship between us has the priority when we are together, but is secondary when we are both doing other parts of life, which require our focus to be there. Being secondary means the partner also focuses on her life mission, to find her lifes’s purpose.
We support each other when needed. We talk, we coach each other, we show mirror to each other. We help partner make the next step on the road of personal development.
Fun, support, sharing moments. That’s the point. Otherwise we will suffocate again. We are free spirits. Even if we sometimes think we are not.
This is my biggest learning. How to let go of control, how to trust unconditionally, how to make myself wulnerable as required and not to expose myself too much. It is not possible. You are all in or not. There is no half way.
The truth
I am all in even though I do not feel comfortable as I know this is the right path forward. I want to grow up. I want to have a partner like that and be together for life. To grow old together.
I opened this article quoting Will Smith. Let me close it the same way:
»Don’t chase people. Be yourself. Do your own thing and work hard. The right people, the ones who belong you life, will come to you. And stay.« Will Smith
Miha Kožuh
August 2020
